Farms, Freak Concerts, & The Long Run | GO Mag

4 am, Chrystie Street: i am guzzling wine like i will the seat. 6am, Sugar: I’m purchasing pancakes and gossiping at the today defunct diner packed with construction industry workers and burlesque dancers.  8:45 am, the
Long Isle
Railroad: Help me. 10am, Babylon facility: dad chooses me right up, and that I beg him to end at Starbucks.

“are you currently frigging kidding myself? There’s a cawffee cooking pot yourself!” The guy pretends to get irritated but the guy stops each and every time.

In the home, we buff out of my eyeliner, then add black trace and another coating of concealer, rotate my personal 26 inches tresses extensions into a bun upon very top of my mind, throw on black Spanx leggings, platform shoes, black colored onyx earrings in the shape of snakes, a maroon polo that says HARBES FARM and a reputation tag that says DAYNA: BARNYARD ADVENTURE REPRESENTATIVE.

My personal quest through the tunnel of
the downtown area and medicines
has arrived to a detailed now it is time to start my personal Subaru, apply Lana Del Rey, and do the Sunrise interstate entirely to my personal significantly ironic task on a farm.

Libby, a small white goat greets myself each and every morning, and follows me personally around as I refill the hand sanitizer and goat meals dispensers throughout the BARNYARD ADVENTURE.

Harbes Farm draws wealthy tourists and area dwellers shopping for an ideal Instagram post with the next things: a sweets apple, a pumpkin, a wine bottle, or a cider donut, with one of several following captions:

wine perhaps not?


Pumpkin spice and every thing good

, or

picked top one

(put apple emoji right here). On weekdays, should there be a lull through the flannel-clad teens and hot moms with french manicures, when I’m through with my tasks offering ensuring the Sirius XM station is always tuned to “family bluegrass,” we stealthily slip my laptop from my phony Gucci bag covered in debateable stains and anxiously replenish my personal e-mail, stressed to find out if any editors have gotten back to me personally.

I disregard the sound in the phone ringing (after all, just who


a fucking


?) and take Libby a glance that states “keep the snout sealed.” She dutifully takes a random little bit of lint off of the floor and pretends to not see me entering away like a junkie instead of responding to the phone. You need to pitch another editor. The editor of an esteemed lesbian book.

Dear Publisher,

Picture the grimiest dive club you are sure that. Bundle that with more gross renting porta potties you have ever peed in.  Integrate by using the group which is regarding longer isle Railroad the afternoon associated with Saint Patrick’s time parade. Multiply that by a million and you have The Dizzy Lizard Saloon. This is how we came across my personal basic severe girlfriend. At Hofstra college in 2011, we were however deep in our Jersey Shore phase—Ed Hardy t-shirts, bejeweled Blackberry instances, squirt tans. I would like to create an
article for GO Mag
on navigating an aggressively heterosexual space in a lesbian relationship. Performs this appear to be some thing you’d be into?

kindly kindly kindly or I’ll destroy my self please

I click deliver and before I am able to commemorate with a visit on PIG PEN PALOOZA, a family group of 5 will come in buying BARNYARD ADVENTURE passes.

“Hi! Introducing Harbes! Are you ready to begin the b–”

do not state butthole, cannot say butthole –


“PetUH,  look the great lady into the attention whenever she offers your own wristband.”

Really don’t proper care if you look me personally into the erect nipples, merely hurry up therefore I can invigorate my personal e-mail.

Eventually, some slack in customers provides myself the opportunity to fling my personal notebook open so very hard I send an
acrylic nail
ricocheting inside apple cider donut equipment in the act.

Hello Dayna,

We positively LIKE this concept, this has been a long time since I’ve had gotten a pitch that excites me personally, thus thanks a lot.

Completely approved.

My personal hands slam into the keyboard and I also practically foam from the lips when I write the whole article in less than one hour behind the register. As I come up for air, Libby is eyeing me personally. “Weirdo,” she


under her air and trots out. “also keep in mind to refill the goat meals dispenser at my section,” she calls behind their, wagging the lady stumpy little tail, while my fingers however tremble over my notebook.

As soon as the time is over,

I speed house with a banana and a meal plan Coke dangling of my purple Mac computer smeared
and I’m currently taking my work clothing down before I walk-in the front doorway. We throw on a latex black colored catsuit and douse myself in Miss Dior. Father proposes to drive me to the LIRR. Like getting chocolate from a child.

“Why are you usually using ya underwears?” the guy asks while he shoves a windbreaker that has been within the wardrobe since 1993 into my personal hands. The guy puts a stop to at Starbucks after putting up a fake protest. We allow the windbreaker within the automobile. Babylon to Penn Station. Penn Station to St Jeromes. Jeromes to a “key area.” A spray coated college shuttle to a warehouse in Greenpoint. Susanne Bartsch. Flashing lights. Start bar.  We accidentally stick to Solange to her exclusive car. I need to be back throughout the farm in 6 hours, but i cannot resist the siren telephone call regarding the Lower eastern part. The Container. Once More.

My personal favorite restroom attendant, steadfast as always, continues, wearing a tuxedo and refilling mints in her own dark colored and embellished jail of artificial silver and velvet, filtering commodes and natural nostrils, high-pitched moans and low priced ideas, cold water and cool therapy, old cologne and girls, porcelain sinks, porcelain epidermis, porcelain lines.

We are loaded in love sardines and I cannot actually start to see the artists, and is truly good with me. When the legendary Rose material actually executing within container, Really don’t truly proper care what are the results on-stage. Positive, burlesque performers could be hot, however they are they outfitted as Anna Wintour and plunging their own ass with duplicates of Vogue, pressing in a shopping cart and hurling crap during the audience, clearing a condom on a rich overseas Prince, or setting off their own knob ablaze while whining blue makeup tears? I did not think so.

After clinking champers with hot bearded gay males and skinny models, my friend Gabe whisks me personally off to a “seem exhibit” which merely performs music of a car collision time after time.

Lady Starlight,

wearing a marching band costume outfit, idly spins on a record player.

I wish Libby had been right here,

I believe to my self while I see a nightclub child using hooves.

I invest my whole paycheck on an Uber straight away to operate from glucose. My personal sight beg to shut and that I drink bluish Gatorade while Libby judges me.

“no less than my cousin does not hump me personally,” we snicker while I scoop the girl up during my arms. I deliver another pitch commit’s publisher before turning on the Bluegrass household Sirius XM section. Easily have to hear “Wagon Wheel” once more, i would leap before a tractor. She emails me personally straight back immediately and serotonin cha-chas through my head.

After my personal ”
10 Reasoned Explanations Why Jenny Schecter Is Actually A Feminist Icon
” pitch is eligible, we cash my personal farm paycheck and speed with the just appropriate restaurant within my home town. We prop myself from the bar with my notebook, order a bottle of red wine and burrata and bang back at my keyboard the way in which I’d envision Frank Zappa would incredibly compose a song or a witch would cast a spell. “Los Angeles Vie En Rose” is playing and I calmly thank Lana Del Rey as a tear splashes from my lash extensions. I pray this will be the past time Im consuming meal on Montauk Highway in suburbia.

Fourteen days afterwards, i shall step in to the character of an editor for just one of The united states’s preeminent and a lot of commonly browse lesbian publications. My personal email dents and I also browse around as if Ashton Kutcher will turn out together with the “Punked” digital camera crew any 2nd.

I surely would like to maybe you’ve create much more and–actually I don’t know if you’re enthusiastic about implementing but our company is employing a writer/editor nowadays to participate our team! I do believe you would be a good match!

Goat shit, level shit. Glitter bombs, piles of dirt. Paychecks, eight golf balls. Father’s car, Sophia Lamar. $15 an hour or so, $2k a bottle. Maroon polo, black colored latex catsuit. Lighters and chocolate oranges. Purple lip area and pumpkin spots. Stables and strangers. Complete the package. Click deliver.